When I used to think, perhaps if I kept doing what this world taught me to do, there would be some kind of reward… Rewards in the form of the life that I want will arrive, like when I used to get a gift from my parents when I performed really well. And mine has been like embodied this identity that was written like a self-development, growth, healing, creation type of thing…
And here’s what I found:
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The life that I once imagined has been arriving the whole time; the difference was the experience itself that came from either intensity or repetition. Well, since I used to grow up with the type of high- and low-intensity things, when life gets much quieter, I thought at first I’d been doing everything wrong, or perhaps I got into some depression state, whereas the truth is my nervous system has been doing this life transition to a new timeline that only requires me to exist, knowing so damn well that life that I want will meet me in that perfect amount of time. This embodiment of calm certainty—I didn’t realize that’s what I’d been doing the whole time until 1 month ago, when I experienced this intense grief, an unexpected chapter that put me into that contrast with what I’ve been embodying here.
The amount of intensity and high energy that my body has been exposed to in the environment where I grew up does really say something about the following: The body truly only remembers repetition; it never understands meaning and situations like what our conscious mind does. The repetition of what I’ve been through here is that I put myself into a different environment so that I can no longer act from the old version of me but rather from this character that I’ve been embodying for a while.
If this idea of repetition, nervous systems, and identity feels like you’re finally putting language to something you’ve experienced but never understood, I’ve been quietly building a collection of writings and guided resources around exactly this.
The Restoration Library is where these ideas live beyond this article. A place to return to whenever you need to remember what your body has been practicing and gently teach it something new.
And the most interesting part about it was the type of grieving that I thought it would be coming from pain or continuous sadness; rather, for me, it was simply more of a longing for the memories that used to still be alive within, alive in a way of still continuously happening through me, but now they have simply disappeared for good. And what was left was just the presence of that person that stays inside my heart. It doesn’t speak, just there internally within me. Some chapters don’t need another explanation. Sometimes they simply need a quiet place where someone can sit with you while your nervous system catches up to what your mind already knows.
If you’re moving through your own transition, grieving an old identity, or learning how to exist beyond survival mode, I’ve created a private 1:1 Restoration Space for exactly that.
It turned out it was more than enough for me to keep me going forward and embrace this new beginning that I can recognize. I recognized in a way that the previous unexpected chapter no longer determined the way I needed to move, rather than it being simply memories that I would forever cherish inside my heart. I wrote about that chapter while I was still living inside it. Not after I had figured everything out, but while my heart was learning how to let go. If you’d like to read that story, you can find it here.
The Chapter I Never Wanted to Write
This article I specifically created for the love of my life. My dad. My superhero. My everything. My spiritual guru. Everything in one, I will say.
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When the chapter has been done, you have to let them go. Letting them go doesn’t mean you completely erased those experiences from your heart; rather, the whole awareness and attention that you’ve been putting through repetition of thoughts and emotions in that specific chapter needed to be left for you to be able to see the new chapter that’s been waiting for you within.
There is this sentence that I now embody the fullest:
“Every internal character has an expiry date.”
I also remembered when my dad taught me about how, even though you haven’t experienced it yourself, even though you’ve learned about it but haven’t lived it internally yet, it will not be as alive as someone who's been embodied in that specific chapter. Well, I’ve realized that that specific sentence that’s been weighing over me until this unexpected chapter that existed, and then it started to come to an aliveness within me in a way of reminding me that the experience has been done, which means the character that I’ve embodied 1 month ago needed to be released for good through the way I navigate my life now.
It made me realize that what I’ve been embodying and learning the whole time, right up until this sudden chapter, existed through me; God and the universe have been preparing me through the specific movements and identity that created this huge space before, so that when this arrived, I’ve been fully prepared and knew how to move forward and understand the whole meaning of this situation. I got a little bit of goosebumps right now, because not only have I received this new integration of belief, but when I looked back, it was like everything that was happening through me, God, and the universe itself provided everything that I needed to keep myself sane and present in each situation that I encountered.
The puzzle that has been completed throughout that journey is the character inside of me that can recognize itself because of how much repetition of that specific internal belief that I’ve planted for myself has led to an inner coherence between how I show up and put meaning into each situation that I used to have right up until now. And the intriguing part about it was that the consciousness inside of me only understands the repetition of that internal belief that I’ve embodied for a while, right up until this moment.
The old role that expected me to cry for so long and continuously played those memories over in my mind because she thought it was the right movement of grief was just not working through me anymore. It’s simply because of the integration of how much internal character inside of me that I choose to breathe in, and somehow the universe has been preparing me for this as well; it truly amazes me right now.
Not only can I always feel Dad inside of my heart, but I also can decide to move forward to this new beginning without letting my emotions dictate my actions for this next chapter of my life. And I am so grateful I get this privilege to be able to recognize this itself right now. It made me realize everything that I’ve been embodying will always bring something in that perfect time when I need it. I also created an article about how I embodied each identity that is aligned with who I truly am:
Becoming the Avatar: How Your Body Learns Your Future Self
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This morning I got myself into a new Pilates class that I didn’t expect, but it turned out really amazing. It led me to see the real progress of where my body strength is; I’ve been feeling a little bit softer than I used to… It’s a good thing, though; it just means I need to keep doing it until I get stronger. Right? /wink Although there is another par…
Most of what I write lives inside one idea: Your life changes through what your body rehearses, not what your mind occasionally understands.
That’s exactly why I created the Restoration Library. A growing collection of essays, reflections, and practical guides for building familiarity with the person you’re becoming.
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Living in alignment means the way you show up is in coherence with the character that you choose intentionally. Which means you stop letting your yesterday’s experiences or memories that used to make you feel some type of way dictate your actions. The only action that you do shall always come from the internal character that you choose to ride inside your body. The more you choose that intentional action and decision that came from who you are, the more your life will start to be more recognized in a way that your body starts to feel familiar with that role itself.
Familiarity happens when you no longer need to think about the action but rather simply exist and respond in a way that reality already showed precisely what it was through you. It’s through consistent thoughts and emotions, the way of thinking in every situation that is currently happening inside of your life. Always remember that the type of meaning that humans love to create for the expression is truly based on the way you choose to perceive it.
Two different humans experience the same situation and can come out with different internal feelings or results that they choose. It happens because they sourced their attention through how they always think, as that is their normal baseline until it becomes their own reality. One can come from the lens of survival; the other one comes from safety. And when combined, each creates different types of ways of thinking and living based on their own way of practicing what normal was inside their own body.
I remembered this series that I currently watch called Grace and Frankie. It got me thinking; I used to live precisely like Grace. In a way of obvious and precise action, desire, and pain, the nature of human rights up until my body starts to remember what safety feels like so that I somehow can recognize the way Frankie lives and moves. The gesture itself, which looks obvious, my character can internally perceive. It made me feel like living as a human is simply to recognize each familiarity of what normal and safety feel like as an individual human being. And that’s the beauty of a living human—nature is.
And the most important thing for you is to be able to choose your own meaning of what safety feels like inside of your body. Not based on what this world offered or taught you, but based on who you really are. When you can see that individually, everything else will become just a facilitator that you can fully enjoy and exist with without going into immediate performance mode. Only to show up as who you really are and enjoy each experience that’s moving through you.
Your Subconscious Besties,
Liona
