This morning, I woke up and taught myself that “today is a new beginning,” and some surprises came up… It came like an unexpected phone call that I had with Mom, and it ended up being about the part that both of us were still grieving… It took like a solid 1 hr of present-self-ness of me who sat and responded to what the phone call was about. Mostly, we were just simply expressing the way we grieved on our own, and by letting her know that to grieve and be sad about the memories that we used to have with someone that we loved is completely okay and normal; what’s not is to be stuck inside that illusion of something that no longer exists.
I taught myself which part of who I am made me cry about this situation that has been past quite sometimes. It turned out that the little daughter in me and the present self of who I am today are still grieving the loss of his role that he played in the way I am right now. It was yesterday evening that I remembered when I took myself for a walk and ended up getting caught up in this bubble of sadness about the part of who I am that was still in the process of losing what remained, completely changed now that my nervous system is still in the process of integrating me to that sense of new beginning that my present-self consciousness already lived on.
And in between this process, how to integrate this role is to let the emotions move through me as a gesture of letting that part of me go. And I think that’s what most people always tried to avoid. Avoid in a way of trying to distract themselves or immediately numb just for the sake of putting that illusion of reassurance that you will eventually forget about this part of yours, whereas the truth is it will always be there, until you let that part integrate into the next identity by facing the reality of that unfamiliar chapter that your role should recalibrate on. Sometimes, feeling everything alone can feel heavier than the emotion itself. If you're currently in that unfamiliar chapter where your body is learning how to exist after loss, transition, or change, I've created a quieter place for that. The Restoration Library holds the same practices and reflections that have supported my own nervous system through seasons like this:
Well, I haven’t realized about this much until that morning conversation with mom appeared and the way she behaved were coming from a mind who tried to distract herselves with any other things because of that heartache that she couldn’t faced it, and I am so glad that she have this courageous moment of her when she taught about the way she felt, that gesture of just letting herself to express her emotions is one of the action of how she start to be able to let that part of her slowly go.
Well, for me, when I flew myself back to Melbourne with the intention that I would be able to move forward the minute I stepped back to my home and got into an immediate routine of what I used to do continuously… Well, this didn’t end up pretty well for me; rather, it became a subconscious way of how I distract myself from facing up to the reality that I had… I forced myself to take my “morning walk,” my used-to-going-forward ritual, or took myself for a date… However, at the end of the day, the minute those experiences ended, all those parts of me that still needed to be released stuck right until I let myself just sit and feel without judging it. And guess what, the more I let that part of me be able to express it in the way she wanted to be, the freer I internally feel. It was like this embodiment of what the true meaning of moving forward is started to show through me.
And the most interesting part about it was that months ago I somehow ended up talking about this “moving-forward ritual,” and to have this bigger capacity of what I taught it was during that moment in time, and with this unexpected journey that I’ve currently experienced and the way I was still perceiving it with the way it was. That’s what expansion embodiment is that I’ve internally felt within. It was never about trying to prove something or not reacting so easily to what it was or not, but about standing still no matter what life showed you in a way of how you choose to stay inside that storyline of who you are.
Inner capacity is built not just through some specific “happy-ending” or getting the life that you want, or you relentlessly teaching yourself those specific words of affirmation, but rather through a strong container inside your body that can hold more life without losing yourself in a way. That part of individualism is who you are becoming, that you’ve consistently nurtured yourself with the way you show up for yourself, until everything else becomes a temporary season that has an expiry date, but you, the inner character of who you are who will always evolving through the action that you choose for yourself through the relentlessly belief that you have so much about yourself that can make your inner world not getting collapsed so easily.
Inner capacity isn't something we understand once and keep forever. It's something we continue returning to until the body remembers. That's one of the reasons I continue writing here. And if you'd like to go deeper than these essays, you'll find 1:1 Restoration Space is there if you feel called to walk through it with someone beside you, rather than carrying it all alone.
It got me intrigued about what I’ve been trying to write here about life always moving forward, and all things shall pass, that I’ve just started to embody that now through my own life experience itself that came as a result through the way I let life show me, not through how much “learning” about what I thought it was. It’s through actually living it.
Talking about the inner world puts me in some thoughts about how to let my present self stand strong without letting this world affect the way I show up. It means not letting my human mind be the queen of what I choose to respond, but through that inner character that stays inside my body. And to build that inner character of how you want to live in a version of your own perfection means to start to build your own belief consistently until it becomes you.
The action itself is not coming from understanding and learning about the method alone, but rather from actually living it. Living it through each action, decision, and movement that comes from who you want to become until it becomes normal for you to do. And this action itself doesn't build overnight, but through how consistently you act, that coming from how your future role will normally experience it.
It’s an ongoing process of how you choose to show up for yourself right now, which comes from how your future role will normally act, until the inner character starts to evolve through the way your mind does. Living it means it was not coming from what you think the mind taught you; it was the right movement, rather than you allowing yourself to exist inside your body and act like it. And that practicing itself of how you put yourself inside of your own life is what I call embodiment.
Embodiment has never been a concept I wanted people to simply understand. I wanted it to become something you could quietly experience for yourself. That's why I created the 1:1 Restoration Space: not to fix you, but to offer a space where your nervous system can begin trusting a different way of being, one gentle conversation at a time.
It is never about how hard you try, but the way you move with calm certainty of who you are inside of your body. Every action you take should come from that inner character of who you’re becoming until it becomes the way you naturally move inside of your life. The more you act, coming from the inner talking of who you’re becoming, the more it will stay permanently inside your body. The man’s mind no longer has power over you, just the way the inner talking conversation that you’ve built over yourself—that the mind’s job will only provide one intention of what you want to experience inside your life. And that character that came from the consistency of the way you talk about you—that’s what makes you stay on the path of who you are becoming.
When you begin to remember who you are, you will begin to realize that expansion is never coming as loud fireworks but rather as a quiet, obvious direction that you can inevitably perceive on your own. And that’s when you know that she has arrived. When she has arrived, you will begin to realize that what you are looking for is never from the outer world but rather from the inner world that you intentionally filled; reality will simply facilitate it by itself.
The tool you need is nervous system regulation to keep you grounded. To keep you staying inside your body and not get affected so easily by what this world will put you through. It means you no longer move unconsciously but stay present inside your body in each moment and experience that’s moving through you.
I have still currently learned to keep my nervous system regulated, but what helps me the most is to focus my attention back on my breath, or the heaviness of my feet, the minute I jump inside my life. I remembered that one creator said the first thing she did was put her feet on the grass before the world touched her. Well, as for me, I currently understand the meaning of grounding fully, and I intend to get myself a grounding mattress to just help to calm this mammal’s side of me and to be able to digest everything quickly without letting it get stuck inside my mind.
For me, grounding is really needed to simply digest any world’s feedback through me without subconsciously worshipping the meaning itself as a costume’s performance to me to show up. And that’s where the inner capacity itself comes from; that’s how I can simply receive and move on. It’s about how much you can hold everything inside this one character and still be able to move forward to what life can offer you. It’s to always come back to earth and your body before you move to the life that you have. And when you live this way, the way you show up will no longer be determined by the feedback from the world, but rather by who you are as a human.
If these essays have become part of your own restoration, deeper chapters are waiting beyond the public ones. Paid members receive longer reflections, personal journal entries, nervous system practices, and the quieter thoughts that never quite make it into these free letters. Think of it as stepping further inside the same conversation rather than somewhere different.
Your Subconscious Besties,
Liona
