Welcome back to my article, where the only thing that exists here is through an alignment frequency between each other that perhaps puts us all together in this same intimate lounge where we get to interact with each other or maybe just feel between us.
Yesterday was such an intriguing experience that somehow put my nervous system in such comfort that my mammalian brain was living through memories for a day. It was the constant type of socializing that my nervous system used to learn, conversation that used to give me such reassurance, foods, people… Everything that kept continuously adding up fully all day in Dad’s Day 1 farewell celebration… Right up until the last piece of cake that arrived, which was my grandma… The love of my life, when most of my childhood used to be taken care of by her, taught me how to play the piano, Christian scriptures, accompanied me to school… It all just made my nervous system feel “home,” not in the kind of loud way, the kind of familiar way that made me laugh so easily that I didn’t even think why I was laughing when everything that was happening there didn’t require me to laugh… That’s when my observing self of me took my place inside my body…
Well, there was a time there when I was having this non-stop laugh in some specific conversation with my grandma and sister, but somehow I was thinking, why was I laughing? That was not even funny, and my heartbeat immediately gave me this quick pulse. Or when my gaze started to see some specific things without my consent, it was such a weird thing to say but made sense… Make sense in a way that those precise movements that my mind used to entertain… For the sake of living. I meant I could tell I was most likely losing my present self and got caught up with the roles that I’ve been in longer, putting them on the back of my shelves. Just because I thought… This was not serving me anymore… Except for the sake of mind-hits. “Hits”—precisely what used to bring that joy state unconsciously. The facial expression, conversation, action…
Did they even truly help me to get where I want to be? Absolutely not, except I realized it was just the way I chose to exist through that repetition of motion. The role of the daughter, whose grief, and at the same time, she needed to socialize with people who had a relationship with Dad when he was still living in this material world; and she got to use that nervous system through the way she acted through those lenses of culture and her upbringing… She needed to tell the story of my dad’s journey to people who came about his 2-month vulnerable chapter. Right up until the memorial service, I heard about how the pastor spoke, and that does something in me… The role that Dad chose to spend most of his entire life in this world has been labeled as back to him.
The role as the husband who is loyal, caring, and loving to mom until death tore him apart… The role of the best father in the world who raised his children through the strong lenses of spirituality, specializing in Christianity. The nicest human being on the planet to everyone that he’s ever encountered… And lastly, it is to be a messenger of God through that consistent action that he chooses to do by sending scriptures every day to a lot of people and always be the one who reminded us in our family group chat to always read 1 chapter, or it can be as simply as 1 verse… The intention is that repetition of how he wants to put our mind through those specific things... The spiritual grounding of how our mind will always be evolving… The only goal that he always wants us to experience is the way he had this for most of his entire life. A life that doesn’t require us to act from the illusion of what this world taught us, but to experience everlasting happiness from a state of internal spaciousness and fulfillment. To experience life that no longer sources the joy through what this world taught us but simply exists in a way that the character internally feels so full within that it no longer needs every second of quick validation and reassurance but stays rooted to the ground, knowing God and the universe will always have our back. Therefore, I wrote this article to recognize this specific belief that I’ve planted consistently until it becomes itself.
When One Chapter Ends, Consciousness Begins Again
The unexpected chapter just ended last night. The hysterical, high-intensity crying that I never knew I had in me appeared that time. My heart was racing like someone who had just finished sprinting 100 km. I saw with my bare eyes the minute that last breath was taken through thin air. It left him a simply broken mannequin that doesn’t have any “life” a…
Although, from the lenses of my consciousness itself, I recalled the universe was the whole subconscious mind inside our bodies that we’ve been repetitively doing for ourselves until it becomes an IT that stays permanently inside our bodies. It’s the continuous evolution or repetition that the character chooses for herself that will lead us to another new beginning. A new beginning through the motion that we’ve manifested for ourselves through the action that we choose to exist through that specific motion itself. For me, the role that my present-self was put in was someone who loves to start her day with a long walk with no music, followed by hot dirty chai or mocha, and continue her day with writing and websites; in between her sessions, she loved to do her Lagree class or hot mat pilates… When she got free time, she loved to read something that made her feel some type of way. Sightseeing was one of her favorite things to do, because the universe somehow always gave her something that put her eyes in awe towards some specific scenes, things, and views.
On the other hand, the role that she currently had through her was coming from that grief of losing her dad, and in that chapter of closing it through his last farewell ceremony, and in between was the role of continuously having this conversation of doing this meet-and-greet with Dad’s relatives, friends, and colleagues. The chapter was almost ended, but the only thing that happened was still coming from our life’s existence inside that specific situation through how my mind chose to capture it. Well, truth be told, I simply learned through it that small talk is really just not my cup of tea… I mean, I will most likely just speak to 10,000 people about my work instead of having this 1:1 chitchat that doesn’t go anywhere. I mean, I guess I am the type of person who is just obsessed with talking about solutions, evolving, embodiment, manifestation, and that type of thing… Except that the only words that could appear from my mouth were just a simple “Hi, how are you? Or letting the old roles’ type of reaction sometimes take the main driver out of the seat. I meant this will be specifically dedicated just for this temporary situation that is currently happening.
Lastly, these are two types of lenses that I currently realize that the role itself has been playing through me. It was between the role that came from a daughter who still got used to having this dad’s presence inside her nervous system and a present self who knew deep down that death is the only celebration that is needed as a gesture of leaving this material world and moving into a higher place. The only thing that made me feel some type of way was the beautiful memories that the mind still had in me. I think that’s why people will most likely repeat the same things over again. Through that repetition, the mind called it something that brings meaning into our system, into the body we have. And that repetition is what makes us stay in the same role all over again until life itself shows another direction, or perhaps what I will call “a new beginning.” It’s truly about a continuous rinse and repeat until life shows us something more that we no longer brace for but simply move inside as something obvious.
Your Subconscious Besties,
Liona
