These past weeks, I’ve been experiencing myself losing the present self of who I am through putting my body into unfamiliar movement that used to keep me alive. The role that came from old awareness is that I can recognize my mind has been working against me. Working against in a way of not being in alignment with my true intention… The role that came from a specific type of experience that the old mind used to play through precise reaction and movement…
Right up until today, I took myself for a sunbathing this morning and have been in the sun… A couple of things happened that surprised me the most. Firstly, it was the burst of memories about what I had with my dad before, that glimpse of what my mind used to look at. The memories of when I used to run on the treadmill while my dad was doing his movement—those exact memories still stay in my mind when I write this article here… My tears fell when I realized all those moments were over; everything had changed. That part of me is just catching up with what is happening right now, through the present self of who I am today… Part of me still feels surreal with all this time that flies so quickly that the last memories about that specific place were specifically filled with me and my dad’s memories; he exercises together while I do my own thing, and so does he. It will always become a beautiful memory between my dad…
Meanwhile, this present-self version of me is currently experiencing this vulnerable situation that includes my dad, who’s been in the hospital for a while… With the most tender chapter that my dad currently has now, what I can do is just be there for him and just give him words of encouragement. It’s simply because there is nothing we can do except to put this hope through the belief of a miracle that I’ve been holding internally without forcing the outcome; it’s simply because everything that is happening is purely just a temporary season, and I know that the outcome will bring the best outcomes for all of us. Well, talking about this, it got me thinking about this morning’s situation that this universe aligned me with. I did a morning walk, and somehow I met a lady whom I accidentally bumped into ages ago while I was in the gym in our residential area. She asked me, “You were here; what was the occasion?” I simply replied to her about my dad’s situation, which led me to have an interesting conversation about her journey with cancer and her family’s, whose experience was similar to my dad’s… That information used to reassure me, but this time I simply took that as a gentle reminder from the universe to just fully trust in God’s timing and keep doing whatever I’ve been doing right now… It was through something that immediately my mind took as something, but it no longer became a thing, but a simple, quick encounter of a nice reassurance conversation that I just had this morning…
Well, back to the point that I want to state: after this, I took myself for a cold shower and began writing… The present self, the minute I decided to write because of how much repetition that I’ve been doing through alignment, this present self-awareness that’s been hiding along immediately exists inside my body. The movement and feeling that I can immediately feel when I’ve been conscious and intentional with the movement… I realize from the conversation that the awareness inside my body has been entertained because of how much repetition the awareness used to do when I was surrounded by my family, and it has become something that I myself right now feel is the most uncomfortable place to be. Although I knew for a fact that this was just an excuse because I could simply choose to act differently, that precise type of convo that I didn’t want to respond to but let the old script exist for, instead does something in me. Something in the way of my mind is kind of working against me right up until I choose myself all over again and act on that alone. The situation taught me to be even more courageous in every situation that I currently experience.
The kind of life that required me to not be in constant danger, anticipation, reaction, and unconscious movement that I was repetitively doing, but right now this environment made my body become so unfamiliar with it through every movement and flow that my mind no longer signed up for it. This is when the courageous present-self of me needs to choose myself all over again, without letting the old role affect the way I choose to act inside now… The old role that used to make me alive came from others’ instruction that always stemmed from survival, so much so that it became a life pattern that stays permanently inside… My nervous system, which has been living through different patterns—emotional, movement, decision, and action repetitively—arrived as a different character that no longer can live through the old scripts that came from constant danger, fear, and doubt. Although I am grateful I got to experience this contrast, my nervous system now can see precisely what’s been happening through me; before that, I seemed to believe this was the reality… It brings to my mind another piece of evidence that we are the only beings who get to choose to believe what is true enough through enough repetition of how we put ourselves in our own lives through enough repetition. It’s not because my life has always been amazing all the time, but in a way of repetition, I choose to put my mind through new repetition of what I choose to live as a normal baseline itself… Therefore, my reality is simply aligning that back through everything… The recognition itself, through specific consistency and repetition, leads me to choose to believe that memories, emotions, and thoughts are no longer working against me but aligning me with the intention itself.
To stop perceiving life through the lenses of why this is happening to me, to what can I learn from this specific experience, and to continuously integrate more life through not analyzing each situation by keeping moving forward as a role that knows who you really are from every decision and action that you choose for yourself… I'm not saying a cathedral rises from its foundation in a single sunrise. It takes time, but every second of your time, you choose to do one aligned action that came from your future self repetitively until it becomes who you really are. Therefore, you no longer question yourselves; you simply will just exist and gently respond to what is in front of you right now. Your action and movement every second of your time will rewire your mind so that the job itself will only take it as evidence of the underlying intention of what you are doing. Your mind is so unfortunate, not working as the character that has emotions; their job is simply collecting evidence repetitively until it becomes a permanent role that stays inside your body. So code your role intentionally through repetitively playing your future role so much until it becomes your new home.
Your Subconscious Besties,
Liona
